When Infidelity Mirrors Narcissitic Abuse
When Infidelity Mirrors Narcissitic Abuse
Infidelity is often seen as the ultimate betrayal in a relationship—but what if we’ve been looking at it too narrowly? While sexual affairs are the most visible form, many experts argue that betrayal often begins long before someone cheats physically. It may begin with emotional neglect, control, or psychological abuse—patterns that closely mirror what happens in relationships with individuals who exhibit traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
In her book When Your Man Is on the Spectrum, Pnina Arad (2017) expands the definition of infidelity.
“Very often, the unfaithful party is the real victim of the marriage, drawing attention to how years of humiliation, neglect, or emotional indifference can themselves be forms of betrayal. Arad warns that giving infidelity a special status among relational transgressions can overshadow the emotional damage inflicted long before any physical boundary is crossed."
– Pnina Arad, When Your Man Is on the Spectrum
This framework resonates deeply when we consider narcissistic relationships. Narcissistic abuse often manifests not as shouting or overt cheating but as chronic invalidation, emotional withholding, and psychological manipulation. The narcissistic partner may minimize your needs, emotionally abandon you, or engage in covert behaviors that silently erode the relationship. These forms of betrayal are harder to name—but just as damaging.
Gottman and Silver (2015) similarly emphasize that sexual affairs are just one expression of infidelity. They describe it more broadly as "any action or choice in which both mutual commitment and one’s partner are not given top priority." This definition aligns with the experience of being in a relationship with someone with NPD: their loyalty is to their ego, not the relationship. They often seek attention, admiration, or control over genuine intimacy, breaching emotional trust again and again.
Both narcissistic abuse and infidelity share a common thread—power without vulnerability. The narcissist may withhold affection or deploy charm when it benefits them, using sex or silence as tools of control. Meanwhile, the partner is left in a state of confusion, longing, or hypervigilance. This, too, is betrayal—even if it never involves another person physically.
Arad (2017) also discusses how emotional disconnection and betrayal can occur in relationships where one partner is on the autism spectrum. However, there’s a vital difference: in ASD-related dynamics, emotional mis attunement is often unintentional, rooted in neurological wiring. In contrast, narcissistic behaviors are frequently driven by self-interest and manipulation. While both situations may lead to feelings of abandonment, the capacity for empathy, repair, and growth differs significantly.
Recognizing these patterns helps survivors name their experiences and reframe their healing. It reminds us that betrayal isn't always about sex—and abuse isn’t always loud. Being emotionally erased, gaslit, or chronically devalued are forms of infidelity, too. Naming these truths is the first step toward reclaiming your voice and honoring your emotional reality.
References
Arad, P. (2017). When your man is on the spectrum: To know, understand & transform your relationship (Kindle ed.).
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Maoz, H., Shaked, M., & Raviv, A. (2019). Relationship challenges and resilience when a partner has autism. Contemporary Family Therapy, 41(3), 251–261.
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