Social Work Blog

When Control Isn't the Real Issue: Understanding the Hidden Needs of Emotionally Abusive Partners

Author: Michal Peretz | Published on December 1, 2025 | Blog Last Updated on December 1, 2025 | Time: 5:23 AM

So what does control mean to a narcissist?

I was listening to a podcast by Jefferson Fisher on How to Talk to Someone You Completely Disagree With, and he talks about focusing on finding out what they need, rather than their opinion during an argument.

So to relate discovering the needs of a "difficult person" I'm arguing with, specifically in the context of an abusive relationship, wanting control is a common factor abusers share. My ex's mother gave me warnings such as, "He wants control" which at the time I didn't fully understand what control meant for my ex, and now I do by applying the knowledge of understanding the different types of control in the context of abusers.

Control is the primary core need for an abuser, but not for the reasons you think.

There are two kinds of “control” in relationships:

Healthy control:

Trying to keep stability, safety, predictability.

Unhealthy control:

Trying to regulate their internal chaos by destabilizing someone else.

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), emotional abusers, fit in the second category.

This means narcissists do not want control because they are strong, abusers want control because they are emotionally dysregulated and cannot tolerate:

    • Shame

    • Uncertainty

    • Accountability

    • Someone else having needs

    • Someone else being autonomous

    • Someone else not reacting the way they expect

    • What narcissistic abusers “needs” shifts because they themselves are not stable.

    People with narcissistic traits often have internal states that change rapidly. For example, an abuser over time might create emotional dysregulation in others through:

    • Day 1: Wanting closeness

    • Day 2: Then wants distance

    • Day 3: Then wants you to reassure them

    • Day 4: Then wants to punish you

    • Day 5: Then wants you to be silent

    • Day 6: Then wants you to engage

    • Day 7: Then wants to break it off

    • Day 8: Then wants control again

    • Day 9: Then blames you for the fact that they are inconsistent

    • This is because the “need” of an abuser is not a stable adult need, and centered around the need to dysregulate and emotionally destabilize others to feel regulated. It is an injured inner child, cycling through panic and defense. So yes, victims and survivors of abuse, might experience the following behaviors of abusers:

    Abuser's Emotional Abuse Control Wheel

    Abuser's emotional abuse control wheel illustration
    • Hot → cold

    • Loving → cruel

    • Reassuring → punishing

    • Promising → abandoning

    • Inviting → discarding

    • A Narcissists real need, underneath everything, is:

    Abusers need external validation and regulation of their own emotional instability at your expense.

    Every abusive behavior described aligns with one thing.They need someone else (you or anyone in their external environment) to absorb their:

    • shame

    • fear

    • anger

    • doubt

    • chaos

    • So abusers project it onto you.

    Abusers, especially those with personality disorders cannot regulate their own emotions towards themselves or others and intentionally hurt others through destabilizing, confusing, blame-shifting because they need someone to stabilize their internal emotional chaos. Because abusers do not know how to connect, they destabilizes the person who tries to connect with them.

    So what might control look like for a narcissist?

      "He wants control"

    is actually:

      “She wants someone to hold her emotional mess for her.”

    And when you try to set a boundary?

      They feel abandoned → triggers → lashes out → blames you.

    This is why nothing ever feels resolved.

    Why do narcissists say you “abuse them,” even when you go silent?

    This is classic for someone with high narcissistic injury.