I was listening to a podcast by Jefferson Fisher on How to Talk to Someone You Completely Disagree With, and he talks about de-centering the focus on arguing about their opinion, and focus on finding out what they need, most oftentimes being control or maybe a fear they have on the issue being argued.
My ex's mother gave me warnings such as, "He likes control., which at the time I didn't fully understand what control meant for my ex, and now I do by applying the knowledge of understanding the different types of control.
Control is the primary core need for an abuser, but not for the reasons you think.
There are two kinds of “control” in relationships:
Healthy control:
Trying to keep stability, safety, predictability.
Unhealthy control:
Trying to regulate their internal chaos by destabilizing someone else.
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), emotional abusers, fit in the second category.
This means narcissists doesn’t want control because they are strong, abusers want control because they are emotionally dysregulated and cannot tolerate:
Shame
Uncertainty
Accountability
Someone else having needs
Someone else being autonomous
Someone else not reacting the way he expects
People with narcissistic traits often have internal states that change rapidly. For example, an abuser over time might create emotional dysregulation in others through:
Day 1: Wanting closeness
Day 2: Then wants distance
Day 3: Then wants you to reassure him
Day 4: Then wants to punish you
Day 5: Then wants you to be silent
Day 6: Then wants you to engage
Day 7: Then wants to break it off
Day 8: Then wants control again
Day 9: Then blames you for the fact that they are inconsistent
Hot → cold
Loving → cruel
Reassuring → punishing
Promising → abandoning
Inviting → discarding
shame
fear
anger
doubt
chaos
So he projects it onto you.
Abusers, especially those with personality disorders cannot regulate their own emotions towards themselves or others and intentionally hurt others through destabilizing, confusing, blame-shifting because they need someone to stabilize their internal emotional chaos. Because abusers do not know how to connect, they destabilizes the person who tries to connect with them.
"He wants control"
is actually:
“He wants someone to hold his emotional mess for him.”
And when you try to set a boundary? He feels abandoned → triggers → lashes out → blames you. This is why nothing ever feels resolved.
In the early 2000s, Esther and Jerry Hicks advanced LoA through the “Abraham” teachings, culminating in The Law of Attraction: The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham (2006) and related works that framed deliberate focus and emotional guidance as keys to “allowing” desired outcomes (Hicks & Hicks, 2006). Shortly after, Rhonda Byrne’s documentary and book The Secret (2006) propelled LoA into global mainstream culture, drawing on New Thought texts (e.g., Wattles) and featuring contemporary teachers (New Yorker, 2010). The popularization drew both devoted audiences and critiques that LoA risks oversimplifying structural realities or encouraging self-blame for uncontrollable hardships (New Yorker, 2010).
| Period | Figure / Work | Notes & Influence |
|---|---|---|
| Mid–late 1800s | New Thought emergence; Phineas Quimby; Prentice Mulford, Your Forces and How to Use Them (1888) | Mind-healing, idealism, and “thought as cause” become popular; Mulford elaborates thought-creativity themes (Britannica, 2025; Mulford, 1888/1904). |
| 1906 | William W. Atkinson, Thought Vibration; or, The Law of Attraction in the Thought World | Explicit “Law of Attraction” framing; “thoughts are things” and “like attracts like” (Atkinson, 1906/1908). |
| 1910–1916 | W. D. Wattles, The Science of Getting Rich (1910); C. F. Haanel, The Master Key System (1916) | Systematized creative thought, visualization, and concentration for success and self-development (Wattles, 1910; Haanel, 1916/1919). |
| 1928–1937 | Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success (1928); Think and Grow Rich (1937) | Success psychology mainstreams mind-set, desire, belief, and persistence (Hill, 1937). |
| 2004–2009 | Esther & Jerry Hicks (Abraham) titles incl. The Law of Attraction (2006) | Modern spiritual framing of deliberate focus and emotional alignment (Hicks & Hicks, 2006). |
| 2006 | Rhonda Byrne, The Secret (film & book) | Global popularization, substantial cultural impact and debate (New Yorker, 2010). |
Atkinson, W. W. (1908). Thought vibration; or, The law of attraction in the thought world. The Library Shelf. (Original work published 1906). https://archive.org/details/thoughtvibratio00atkigoog
Britannica. (2025, July 28). New Thought. https://www.britannica.com/event/New-Thought
Byrne, R. (2006). The Secret. Atria Books/Beyond Words. (Context & reception summarized in: Remnick, 2010).
EBSCO Research Starters. (n.d.). New Thought (religious movement). https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/complementary-and-alternative-medicine/new-thought-religious-movement
Haanel, C. F. (1919). The master key system. (Original course 1916). https://archive.org/download/masterkeysystem1919haan/masterkeysystem1919haan.pdf
Hicks, E., & Hicks, J. (2006). The law of attraction: The basics of the teachings of Abraham. Hay House. https://cmc.marmot.org/Record/.b2688835x
Hill, N. (1937). Think and grow rich. The Ralston Society.
Mulford, P. (1904). Your forces and how to use them (Vol. 4). White Cross Library. (Original essays 1880s). https://iapsop.com/ssoc/1904__mulford___your_forces_and_how_to_use_them_v4.pdf
Remnick, D. (2010, September 13). Power lines. The New Yorker. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/09/13/power-lines-2
Wattles, W. D. (1910). The science of getting rich. Elizabeth Towne. https://www.gutenberg.org/files/59844/59844-h/59844-h.htm